• 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
• 2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
• 3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entireroom for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and changethe channel manually.
• 4. When people put remotes on top of the TV set. What's the big idea? The whole point of the REMOTE is to not go up to the damn TV set.
• 5. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
• 6. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
• 7. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at frikken ceiling upthere.
• 8. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band.Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
• 9. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give mea choice, did ya there buddy?
• 10.When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new,then ther has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there musthave been something before it.
• 11. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!

• 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
• 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't pluggedin
• 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
• 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
• 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
• 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition tobe a police officer.
• 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
• 8. I pay your salary!
• 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
• 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
• 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are noother cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
• 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have youbeen drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officeryour eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

• 1. You Were an Accident
• 2. Strangers Have the Best Candy
• 3. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
• 4. Some Kittens Can Fly!
• 5. Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
• 6. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
• 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
• 8. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North..... Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
• 9. All Dogs Go to Hell
• 10.The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
• 11.You Are Different and That's Bad
• 12.Dad's New Wife Timothy
• 13.POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games
• 14.Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets
• 15.The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
• 16.Babar Meets the Taxidermist
• 17.Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
• 18.The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
• 19.The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
• 20.Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• 21.The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
• 22.How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary >School
• 23.Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
• 24.When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It
• 25.What is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
• 26.Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
• 27.Bi-Curious George
• 28.Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Top 11 Saturday Morning Cartoon Characters That Never Made It

1. Lumpy, The Nicotine Addicted Mule
2. Governor Horse
3. Hostage Boy
4. Speedee Cafeinee
5. The Lil' While Supremacists
6. Huck and Muck, The Tax-Evading Beavers
7. Commander Spittle
8. Obese Wrestlers in Outer Space
9. Those Lovable Illegal Aliens
10. The MacNeil/Lehrer Babies
11. Stony, The Caveman Fred Was Seeing Behind Wilma's Back

Top 9 Seldom Watched Cable Channels

1. The Thimble Channel
2. Nixon at Night
3. The Technical Difficulties SuperStation
4. The Home Mopping Network
5. Gnome TV
6. 24-hour Ventriloquist Talk
7. The All Flossing Channel
8. Turkish Infomercials Satellite Service
9. ShatnerVision

Top 8 Commercial Slogans Of Failed Banks

1. In and Out in Two Hours-We Promise!
2. The Bank That Never Opens
3. Free Time and Temperature With Every Deposit
4. The Home Of Styrofoam Safe Deposit Boxes
5. We'll Try To Talk You Out of Your Next Withdrawal
6. Neither a Borrower Nor a Lender be
7. Count Your Change!
8. Where There's a Drunk At Every Automatic Teller Machine

Top 7 Unproven Hair Replacement Methods

1. Saul's Miracle Fish Glue
2. The Scalp Rivet System
3. The Interior Brain Push Regimen
4. The Amazing Pollicle Flush Technique
5. Dick Van Patten's Hair Now
6. Dutch Boy Head Paint and Varnish
7. The Shower Drain Hair Harvesting System

Top 9 Tasteless New Game Shows

1. Celebrity Pet Lickers
2. Spread-eagled and Ridiculed
3. The All New Humiliate Your Date!
4. The Newlydead Game
5. Close Your Eyes and Taste It
6. Guess That Rash!
7. Drinking and Driving For Dollars
8. What's My Psychological Problem?
9. Drop It On The Handicapped

Top 10 Unpopular Carnival Games and Rides

1. Hit Yourself In The Head With a Mallet
2. Dunk the Vengeful Violent Psychotic
3. The Upside Down Upchucker
4. The Saliva Slide
5. Yank a Vagrant's Tooth
6. Check The Clowns For Hernias
7. Guess Your Threshold of Pain
8. Throw A Rock Through Your Windshield
9. Shave The Rabid Racoon
10. Bumper Hats

Top 10 Charities No One Ever Donates To

1. Save The Millionaires
2. Nuclear Arms For Iraq Relief Agency
3. Wildlife Extermination Fund
4. Addict The Children
5. Citizens For The Elimination of Lifeguards
6. Skinhead Anti-Defamation League
7. The Adopt-A-Cockroach Foundation
8. Sunburn Victim's Relief Fund
9. Musicians For The Destruction Of Walden Pond
10. Abolish Golf In Our Lifetime

A blonde was out for a drive in her new Corvette when she cut off a truck
driver. He motioned for her to pull over, and when she did, he got out of
his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on
the road and told the blonde, "Stand in the circle and don't move!" He
then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around,
she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny,
watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every
window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her
face. Getting mad, he gets his knife back out and slashes her tires. The
blonde starts laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it, so
he goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and
sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about
to fall down. "What's so funny, damn it?" The blonde replies, "When you
weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times!"

A blonde went into a video store to check out some videos. She wanted some
excitement so she decided to check out a X-rated movie. After countless
hours of going through the video collection, she finally picks a video
out. She went home, lit some candles, turned off the lights and turned on
the movie. But all she saw was static. So she called the company who made
it and asked why all she saw was static. The company representative asked
her what the name of the movie was and the blonde replied, "Head Cleaner." Back To Jokes

Men - Can't live with them, can't play mind games without them!

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"?
He never had to date one.

What do you do if you see a field full of men?
Smile.....and reload your gun.

How can you tell if your husband's dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.

Diamonds are a girls best friend. A dog is a mans best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

Why is it dangerous to let your mans mind wander?
It's too little to be out alone.

The only reason men are on the planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy the drinks.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: Why did Viagra come out with a nasal spray?
A: For dickheads

Back To Jokes

Top 21 Things To Do At A Boring Movie

1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juiji Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the badguy is doing something devoius, say, "Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.
15. Yell outloud, "Stop molesting me!"
16. Gently, very softly, place a single pooped kernel of corn on the head of the person in front of you.
17. Scream out, "Hey, this isn't Bambi!"
18. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you,then quickley look back at the screen when they notice, then stare at them again when they turn back to the screen.
19. See if you can get a moistened Jujy Fruit to stick tothe screen. Yell to the projectionist, "Can you pause it? I gotta pee!"

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I
wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Back To Jokes

Some Quotes I Found To Be Interesting

1. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
2. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
3. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
4. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
5. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
6. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
7. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
8. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
9. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
10. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
11. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
14. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
15. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
17. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
18. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
19. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
20. A fool and his money are soon partying.
21. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Links that deserves to be here.

• Cartoons of Shit

• Official Yankees Website

• SOUTHPARK